This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
