please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
