WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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