Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
