yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
