a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
