just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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