Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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