I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
