I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize