Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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