the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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