He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
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I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
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I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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