So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
