there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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