Where did you get a picture of my penis
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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