I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
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bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
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