if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
