R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
