Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Randomize
