my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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