I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
