my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
