i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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