In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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