Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
