but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
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I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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