"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
