the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
