i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
