I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
