It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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