is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
