apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
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Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
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So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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