Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
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Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
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I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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