Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
i think we sleep fucked last night...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
