I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
