shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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