just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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