Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
