I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
