This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
