A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
