Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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