there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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