the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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