Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
