Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
