I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just sucked dick on a ferry
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
