Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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