Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
