Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
