My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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