My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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