I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
