Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
