YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
