The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
