I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
