There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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