it was like his penis was on wheels.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
