I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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