either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
